Never look up an ex. Nothing good ever comes of it. No matter how long time has passed; nothing good will come.
Never look up an ex. It starts with a drink or two after a sad day. She wanders through a backdoor in your mind, the locks left open despite the years; and in an instant she is there again. Living in your head, swimming in your pool of thoughts, going through the shelves of memories you had forgotten to throw away.
Never look up an ex. It progresses to a Facebook search. Harmless it seems; it’s been so long maybe she doesn’t even have one anymore. But she does, all women do. The curiosity killing you like the cat you are and you click; click, click, click.
Never look up an ex. You’ll find photo after photo; she looks beautiful. Much more beautiful than she ever looked with you. Was that your fault? She’s more confident, she glows, in every picture, she glows like the sun. My God, she’s stunning.
Never look up an ex because those few pictures turn into an hour of looking through older and older photos stretching back to your time together and you convince yourself that times were much better than they were. They were though, weren’t they? And suddenly you are lost in a sea of terrible memories you shared with her. The fatal blows you exchanged during the weekly protests about nothing and everything all at once. Did you really call her that? You drank so much back then…
Never look up an ex because those photos turn into noticing the ring on her finger. Another click, click, click; and the heavy blow of reality sets in as you realize yes, she is engaged. She is happier; she is glowing; she is stunning because she isn’t with you. Each continuous click becomes a new dagger to the heart, a shot to the head, a noose tightening around your neck. And it’s as if you can’t breath, as if you can’t see, hear, speak, function. A hot, nasty feeling rising inside of you, burning your insides until finally you click out of the browser and are left with the quiet reality around you.
Never look up an ex. Nothing good ever comes of it.
-KA
Sweaters, Scarves & Stories 🍂 