Never Look Up An Ex…

Never look up an ex. Nothing good ever comes of it. No matter how long time has passed; nothing good will come.

Never look up an ex. It starts with a drink or two after a sad day. She wanders through a backdoor in your mind, the locks left open despite the years; and in an instant she is there again. Living in your head, swimming in your pool of thoughts, going through the shelves of memories you had forgotten to throw away.

Never look up an ex. It progresses to a Facebook search. Harmless it seems; it’s been so long maybe she doesn’t even have one anymore. But she does, all women do. The curiosity killing you like the cat you are and you click; click, click, click.

Never look up an ex. You’ll find photo after photo; she looks beautiful. Much more beautiful than she ever looked with you. Was that your fault? She’s more confident, she glows, in every picture, she glows like the sun. My God, she’s stunning.

Never look up an ex because those few pictures turn into an hour of looking through older and older photos stretching back to your time together and you convince yourself that times were much better than they were. They were though, weren’t they? And suddenly you are lost in a sea of terrible memories you shared with her. The fatal blows you exchanged during the weekly protests about nothing and everything all at once. Did you really call her that? You drank so much back then…

Never look up an ex because those photos turn into noticing the ring on her finger. Another click, click, click; and the heavy blow of reality sets in as you realize yes, she is engaged. She is happier; she is glowing; she is stunning because she isn’t with you. Each continuous click becomes a new dagger to the heart, a shot to the head, a noose tightening around your neck. And it’s as if you can’t breath, as if you can’t see, hear, speak, function. A hot, nasty feeling rising inside of you, burning your insides until finally you click out of the browser and are left with the quiet reality around you.

Never look up an ex. Nothing good ever comes of it.

-KA

Colombia

I fell in love with Colombia
A country so unfamiliar to me
to my routine from day to day
A country with patience
and power beyond the norm
A country whose arms spin me
round in a dizzy whirl
A country whose laugh
still sends butterflies
soaring around my abdomen
A country whose fearlessness
terrifies me to the core
A strong country
unafraid
to fail
to learn
to grow
to live

to live-not merely exist

Because life is more than just existing
We are born not of our own accord
We never chose to be here
No one chooses to be born
But we are and we are thrust
into a world that expects us to change
change the traditions
change the values
of the generations before us
to make an impact
to change something
something meaningful
something worthy
something
anything
make a difference
And when we don’t
when we simply exist
existing is a waste
Colombia sweet Colombia
never let’s me forget to live
Always live

-KA

Long Gone

Sometimes, when I can’t relax, I drag my subconscious
into my town’s rolling fields
and stretch out, feet first above the clouds,
singing and dancing. I close my eyes.
Somewhere below me a rosy cheeked child tastes her first spoonful
of Swal’s cookie explosion ice cream. I open my soul
and let my body soak in the sun at Heritage;
swinging branches ripple across my mind, a low lying doe
dashing across my thoughts, falling back, suspended I know I am close.
The memories burn as years replay.
I think of reentering that atmosphere;
my long, burning past.

-KA